There are times when your body and soul are just tired. Plain old tired. There is nothing you can do about it because life is pressing on and dragging you along. Life is going full speed ahead and no matter how hard we put the brakes on it just doesn't stop. Period.
That is where I was on Tuesday night of last week. In the past three to four years I haven't stopped. I fed the craziness of life. I encouraged myself to be busy, to keep life at a fast pace, to not break pace. And finally my body and soul gave way. I was exhausted. I was spent. I had nothing else to give at all...
I crammed a four year college program into three. Straight out of college we got married. Right after marriage we started our company. The company took off from the start (thanks to our wonderful clients!). All of this was great and good! I loved being busy, I think I get a rush from it. I feed off of challenges and hard work! I love facing a hard task and conquering it, and owning your own business (especially in a recession) is a huge task. But I never took time for myself. And that slowly killed my soul.
I was exhausted in the depths of my being. I do believe there were times I would get very broken down. No one really knew of this, only Philip. He knows every thing, even when I don't tell him. That is why husbands are so great. I had no one to blame but myself. I refused to say no and I refused to be selfish and nurture my being. Being selfish with your time is healthy. There must be a delicate balance within life or you will go insane. I was giving and giving to others and never took time for me. The balance of life was off in my life.
I felt alone in a huge vacuum. Felt no one could see or feel me. Many knew my name through this company. People I don't even know would come up to me, going on and on about our work but I would still feel empty. Having my name know for my photography wasn't gratifying for the soul. I loved working for our clients, I loved seeing the joy and happiness we brought to their lives! Nothing made me more excited then to see genuine reactions from our images. But my personal side was still lacking something. I was feeling lost in a big sea. I had a handful of people who I could really call close friends. But, a sense of community was definitely lacking.
A couple of months ago we got an invitation from our dear friends the Finchers to come out to their home in Steamboat Springs, Colorado for a new type of retreat. Philip and I immediately jumped at the offer and new this would be a great time for us to get away. We had a crazy summer planned: camps for Philip, our first full season of weddings, portrait work, and the everyday running of the company. We wouldn't know the full need of getting away until we arrived in Steamboat last Wednesday.
The week before we left Philip was gone on a camp (leading worship for youth) and I was home working my little soul away. The Steamboat retreat fit right in the middle of camps and as it was approaching we were starting to feel like it wasn't going to be restful at all for us. It would put Philip on the road for 12 days straight and on the 12th day we would be shooting an out of town wedding. It seems hard to relax when you have a lot happening. But God ordained that week for us.
We stayed with three other couples and one gentleman while in Steamboat. No one knew each other, we simply had the Finchers in common. But God knew that each one of us needed to be there. Amazingly we all instantly formed a tight bond and started to commune with one another in a way that most never have. Through meals, discussions, and hikes we became a body of believers. Just days before we really didn't know that the others existed. We were all very different and came from different walks of life. Together we made a unique body consisting of a philosopher, an administator, a film critique and teacher, an educator, a family counselor, a web developer, a fine art photographer and painter, a musician, a wedding photographer, a writer, a speaker, and 3 Corgi dogs. But none of those titles mattered. Nor did age; we ranged from 22-52 and no one cared. Gender held no platform; there was no male or female, simply human...
As we discussed and walked this past week, I saw the depths of my soul being replenished and refreshed. We sat at the Botanic Gardens and listened to a string quartet play. I sat and listened, really listened. I let me soul be still and enjoy the beauty of music. I gazed at the mountains rising before my eyes and let my boby enjoy the present moment. I started to block out everything else. I decided that I would focus on my personal well being for the week.
We took a day to walk through the Finchers land. They jsut bought 20 acres of land on the side of a mountain and now call a very small cabin on that land their home. We sat in their humble abode and dicussed what it meant to be appropriately human. That conversation will forever be in my mind. I tend so often to forget what it means to be human. I tend to think that it is an escape for my wrongs when in fact it is completely opposite of that. For me to be human is for me to bare the image of Christ... These ideas sat witin my soul as we journeyed into the depths of their land.
White Aspens were all you could see for yards. The ground was thick with undergrowth and the trail thin. We pushed our way through the forest and breathed in the fresh mountain air. Rain was coming, you could smell and feel it in the air. Rays of sun light were peeking through the dense clouds. A hawk was overhead, calling out to her young. There was peace in the woods.
As I walked I thought for a while about what it mwant for me to be appropriately human. And then I stopped thinking all together. I let my mind and soul rest. For the next hour all I thought about was the very next step in front of me. I can't remember the last time I did that. I simply didn't think! The trail was exhausting and body was fighting every step. But with each step I felt a heavy being lifted from my shoulders. We wondered through the woods as the rain poured down upon us and all was well with my soul.
When we returned from the mystic White Woods I was at peace. I can't fully explain it but I know that my soul was restored unto me. I was at one with myself and my Father. I was rested even though bodily exhausted.
And that is why we went to Steamboat, to rest our weary souls. I feel revived and full of new purpose. I had the great joy of talking about personal projects in photography and got great support and encouragement from those around me. I felt wanted and needed for that week. I felt appreciated and validated by others. I felt at home and at rest. I had true communion and fellowship with new friends. I had a great time being with my husband for five days with no agenda, email, or work. We got to enjoy our time as a worry free couple.
For as long as the Finchers have the retreat I do believe we will be going. I saw just how vital it was to my soul to get away for a few days and completely rest. I am young and need to start these patterns now or my life will fly by and I will not know where it went. I need rest and I have to make time for it or it simply won't happen.
I now come back to you a refreshed woman, ready to embrace the challenges before me. But this time I come prepared. I come knowing the importance of my soul and how I need to take care of it...
Thank you all my dear new friends for the week we shared. Each of you is very dear to my heart and will hold a very special place there. You supplied a sense of community that I have never felt before. You were accepting and loving. You encouraged and built us up. You were a God send.
Thank you Dale and Jonalyn for having a vision to help weary souls. Thank you for having faith that this retreat would be needed. Thank you for opening your home. Thank you for the time, effort, and dedication you poured into the week. I will be forever greatful for you both.
And of course we have more images.
I really didn't shoot much this week, seeing that when I hold a camera these days it is mostly for work. But when I did pick it up this week I tried to be very intentional with it. When it came to photographing those I was with, I wanted to show their true essence. I really wanted to make sure that you could look at the image and tell the nature of that human (though I failed to get an individual image of everyone there, that saddens me)...
This is Jonalyn. Though she says she does not yet feel at home in this new cabin, I do believe she was a home while in the prescense of friends.
This is Jeff Lever. He is an amazing artist that has a passion for knowledge. Talking with him was so refreshing and encouraging. Through a series of discussions with Jeff I came to see a new vision for my project on women and body image.
My Phipps. His smile speaks volumes to me.
From the walk through their land, which we lovingly call the White Woods. This was right after the rain storm hit us, you can see that it as moved on to the next mountain.
360 point
The beautiful Aspens in White Woods.
My absolute favorite image of Jonalyn. To me, this embodies who she is.
As we drove out of their land and back into the city, we saw this amzing rainbow. It was beyond words!
The city of Steamboat at sunset. This was taken from the balcony of the Fincher's home in town.
The mountain in the background is called Sleeping Gaint. Can you find the giant?
And of course a slide show. Now I really like this song and think it is very fitting for the week. Philip actually wrote this song and all the instruments in the recording are done by him. I think he is brilliant but I am biased :)
Or you can see it HERE
With much grace,
Ava
